Watermelons
by PeridotGlass
Summary: Feeling dejected as people pair up around him after the end of the Mad King's War, Ranulf discovers the wonders of the Kama Sutra and finds out that watermelons are a powerful aphrodesiac for Goldoans. Crackfic. Slash.


Watermelons- A Crackfic

A/N: Inspired by The Ambassador's fic "Things Ranulf Is No Longer Allowed To Do" (it's in my favourites and it is awesome. Go check it out if you haven't read it already), which gave me such a strange idea for a crack-pairing, I just had to resurface from my fanfic-retirement to write it.

I'm still not entirely happy with the way this turned out, particularly the lead-up, but it'll have to do for now. I'll probably go back and edit it at some point.

A short, none-too-serious fic about Ranulf's discovery of the Kama Sutra and of novel uses for watermelons. Bonus Greil Mercenaries-based fun in the epilogue. Pairings: Ranulf/Nasir (no-strings-attached), Ike/Soren (sorry, folks!), one-sided Ranulf/Ike, mentioned Nasir/Gareth, a few others mentioned or implied, mostly slash with the exception of Mist/Boyd and Shinon/Booze. Rated for innuendo and implied sex.

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><p>Ranulf was in despair. The Mad King Ashnard of Daein had been defeated, the war had ended in their favour, and after a brief period of celebration, it was time for the army to go its separate ways. All over the camp, lovers (and "battle partners") about to be separated rushed to their tents, determined to give one another something to remember them by, none of them ready to bid farewell to their closest comrades and go home.<p>

Ranulf wasn't quite ready to go home either, especially knowing the torment that awaited him back in Gallia. At the hands of his own troops, no less. Lyre and Kysha. Just the thought of the two young warriors and their relentless- sometimes outright dangerous- vying for his praise was enough to make his whiskers curl. It hardly helped that neither of them was his type. They were too desperate, too needy, too used to following, too well-groomed, too feminine in both cases... Not at all like Ike.

The man in question had disappeared into the forest with Soren, apparently to draw up an itinerary for their own journey back to their fort (this was rubbish- their itinerary had been written days ago. Ranulf had helped with it, but as usual, most of the Commander's attention and praise had been focused on the little tactician, who, to be fair, had done most of the work). Try as he might, Ranulf couldn't help but feel a bit put out. He wasn't naive- he knew he didn't have a chance with the blue-haired commander. Ike, although wise beyond his years and strong even beyond the abilities of most laguz on the battlefield (both reasons Ranulf admired him), was less than half Ranulf's age, not to mention the indisputable property of his tactician. Although Ranulf was certain Soren would deny it, he took possessiveness to a whole new level, and Ranulf could hardly blame him. He had known Ike for years, after all, and wanted to keep him. Nevertheless, he would have liked to spend some time with Ike, away from Soren, as friends, if nothing else.

_Any company at all would be nice_, he thought as he watched all of the friends and couples around him running for their tents. It seemed as if everyone except Ranulf had paired off in one way or another. Even the army's token madmen. Case in point; At that moment, Ranulf was nearly jostled off his feet by a frisky Kieran, who was dragging a helpless, but just as eager, Oscar into one of the not-yet cleared out weapons tents for, Ranulf assumed, a manly competition of weapons. Lethe had been accosted by Calill, (who had a boyfriend to go home_ with_, and thus had time to spare) intent on giving her a makeover, and, being in unusually high spirits, Lethe had decided to allow it. Just this once. Mordecai was fast asleep in the shade and it didn't seem fair to disturb him. Ranulf would have to keep searching if he was to find company.

A fair bit away from the camp, in the shadows of a cluster of oak trees, sat the loners. Shinon lovingly caressing a jug of ale and cursing with great eloquence at a wasp that was trespassing in his line of sight, Stefan giving his weapons one last polish before setting off for the desert alone, and Nasir, surrounded by what looked to be watermelons, in various stages of destruction. Very few people had seen the Goldoan man since the Mad King had fallen. Nasir had kept away from the after-battle celebrations, probably in fear of his betrayal being mentioned by some of the less forgiving members of the army. Ranulf had forgiven him for his betrayal- Nasir was an old acquaintance, after all, a decent person, as far as Ranulf could discern, and he had been trying to protect his granddaughter. Ranulf wasn't sure he wouldn't have done the same, if he was old enough to have grandchildren. Besides, everything had worked out in the end. His trust in the dragon was shaken just like everyone else's, admittedly, but Ashnard had been dethroned, Lehran's Medallion was back in safe hands, and no serious harm had been done.

The dragon didn't notice Ranulf as he approached, his eyes heavy-lidded and trancelike as he flicked his knife over the chunk of watermelon in his hands. Upon closer inspection of the scattered chunks of fruit, Ranulf noticed that they were carved into an assortment of strange shapes, each bizarrely structured so that from an angle, Ranulf thought they sort of resembled a series- two people trying out different ways to move a heavy box. Only there was no box, and the "people" looked suspiciously anatomically detailed... He remembered something his colleagues had told him a while ago about Goldoan customs... No, it couldn't be, surely?

"Hello, Nasir." The dragon jumped, startled by the sudden greeting. His senses must have failed him in his concentration, he thought. Under normal circumstances, he would have realised Ranulf's intention to approach him at almost the same time as Ranulf himself.

"I'm sorry. Are you busy? Did I put you off?"

"I am busy, but you needn't worry about putting me off. I am almost done." He laid down the knife and the unfinished watermelon sculpture to address the cat properly.

Ranulf, seeing this as an invitation to make himself comfortable, sat himself cross-legged next to the dragon, and picked up one of the finished models. "Hungry, I take it?"

Nasir jumped again, and made a violent grab for the statue. Startled by the dragon's uncharacteristic display of aggression, Ranulf dropped it. The figure landed face-down, and what looked like a head was effectively flattened.

"Be careful with that- Oh, I don't-"

"Sorry! I'm sorry, you startled me! Was it important?"

"Yes- I mean, no! It doesn't matter. Please... Pay it no mind. This is just a hobby of mine."

"Really? I've never seen you doing this before. And what _are_ you doing? I mean, it looks as if you're carving watermelons into funny shapes, but that might be too obvious."

"Yes, that is exactly what I'm doing." Ranulf could have sworn he saw the dragon blush, as if this was a guilty admission of some sort.

"I don't mean to pry. Just curious, that's all. You know what they say about curiosity and cats. Just seems a bit… Odd."

"I suppose you're suspicious, too? I can hardly blame you, all things considered." Nasir picked up another of the finished sculptures, and held it up for Ranulf to inspect as Ranulf wondered quietly why anyone would be suspicious of watermelons. "Allow me to put your mind at ease." The dragon inhaled deeply. "First of all... Have you ever heard of the Kama Sutra?"

Ranulf almost laughed out loud. He had heard of the Kama Sutra, alright. The infamous sexual scripture of Goldoa. Something that had been brought up in many conversations both before, and during, the war, in tones both jealous and horrified. He had expected the figures to have some sort of sexual symbolism, but he hadn't expected Nasir, of all people, to be so _frank_. Sensing recognition in the cat's features, the dragon continued unprompted.

"In centuries passed, I used to act as a sort of relationship therapist for lonely Goldoans. As such, I know the Kama Sutra well. Each of these figurines depicts a different sexual position and practise. For instance, this one depicts two people laying aside one another, as if resting, but as you can see, their hips are turned-"

"Ha- Say no more! It would have taken me _ages_ to see that… And you were just _dying _to tell me everything, weren't you, you dirty old man?" The cat laguz feigned shock.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well, they're very abstract. I thought at first they were trying to move a box or something."

"The detail is very ambiguous, I agree. They are shaped thus to prevent them from collapsing, and that's not what I meant. You said you were curious, so I _told_ you. That is all. It's nothing to be ashamed of." Nasir folded his arms across his chest, and endeavoured to look unrattled.

"I was kidding. Come on, you know me by now, no need to be so quick on the defence." Ranulf's voice dropped to an excited whisper. "I'm actually kind of interested, truth be told."

Nasir shot the Gallian a worried look.

"Do you... think you can teach me some of this?"

"You are Gallian. Our mating rituals differ immensely. Were you beorc, there'd be no issue, but…"

"Beorc, hm?" The cat tipped his head to one side, smiling wickedly.

"I-I don't have a copy of the scriptures with me!"

"You're clearly well-versed. 'Relationship therapist'?"

"Are you suggesting we..?"

"No, no, not at all. Unless you_ want _to? Great time-filler. Neither of us are doing anything important. Plus, everyone else is occupied, so there's no chance of awkward intrusions."

Nasir sighed, and Ranulf thought he detected a hint of eagerness in his voice when he spoke again, but it may have been just him.

"I hope you know what it is you are asking for. There are certain things I cannot do in half-measures."

"Don't know until I try, do I?"

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><p>Ranulf rolled over and lay half-sprawled on Nasir's bed, his chest heaving and his skin glistening with tiny droplets of sweat. He was decidedly impressed by this Kama Sutra business. "Wow," he breathed. "That was just... Wow- how do they come up with this stuff?"<p>

The dragon laughed in response. "I take it you enjoyed yourself?"

"Well, yeah- how could I not enjoy it? Especially when you did that thing with my tail..."

Nasir laughed again, this time, rather sheepishly. "I confess, that part was improvised- for the purposes of maximising your pleasure, of course."

Ranulf jumped into a sitting position, searching for his hat, which had been discarded earlier in his throes of passion. "Clever, if slightly creepy... So. Why watermelons? I mean, it seems a shame to spend all that time carving something that's just going to go soft or get eaten- or is that the point?"

"Actually, that is the point. They're sweets. Tokens of affection... Well, tokens of lust, anyway. Watermelon is a powerful aphrodisiac for dragons, but it scarcely grows in Goldoa- most of these watermelons are from Gallia, as a matter of fact- and since the Goldoan entourage arrives this evening to escort myself and Ena home, I thought to welcome them with these."

Ranulf half-frowned, perplexed. He had always thought Nasir had a better grasp of etiquette- no doubt even the apparently sexually liberated Goldoans would be shocked and offended by Nasir's presumption? "With risqué figurines made of aphrodisiac substances? Isn't that a bit..." He swiped his hat from beneath Nasir's bed, and dusted it off. "...Naughty?"

"When I say 'welcome them'... Well, I mean, welcome a particular one of them. Someone I've admired since childhood. My centuries of subtle hinting have come to no avail, so I've decided to step up my advances. Rather significantly." Nasir flushed.

"And these sweets are supposed to make you irresistible?" Ranulf's mouth twitched upwards as he mulled this over. If Nasir didn't know any better, he could have sworn a mischievous plot of some sort was beginning to form in the cat's mind.

"Not exactly- they aren't instant love potions like the ones Aimee peddles, but they are designed to improve your chances with the recipient. Of course, a lot rests upon sexual ability, should the token be accepted."

"Ah, I see." Ranulf gave a reassuring nod. "Then, you've got nothing to worry about!"

Nasir flushed brighter, his skin glowing a deep pink under its usual tan. He opened his mouth to return the compliment, but the cat laguz spoke over him.

"Listen. Nasir. That thing we've just done... It was kind of amazing- No, don't shake your head. I wouldn't have dreamed of doing some of that stuff... And some of it sounded disgusting, but somehow it worked. Sex with you is probably the best I've ever had, and it's all because of this Kama Sutra. You know your stuff, alright- how could anyone resist?"

"You don't understand- Goldoan standards are ridiculously high! What we've just done is nothing compared to what he'll expect of me if he accepts my gifts."

"Nasir, let me finish. I know when something feels good. It's got nothing to do with… _Standards_. Sex doesn't have to be an artform all the time- as long as it's good, who is this guy to complain?"

"It... It doesn't work that way. The Kama Sutra isn't just about sex. I thought I'd taught you-"

Ranulf wrestled himself into his trousers. "Whatever you say, Nasir, but I think you're stressing over nothing." He tugged his shirt over his head, emerging with his hat askew. "Besides, if it doesn't work out, you know where I am!"

"_W-what_!"

A friendly wink assured the dragon that Ranulf was joking, and with one last "thank you", the cat was gone, replaced moments later (Nasir barely had time to cover his lower body with his blanket) by Ena.

"Grandfather, what were you and Ranulf doing? Why are you naked?" The embarrassed glare on her face suggested that she didn't need to be told. "Cats cannot properly appreciate the teachings of the Kama Sutra, you know that. Their mating rituals differ too much from our own- it is a purposeless task."

"I explained that to Ranulf. He was still willing to learn, and he enjoyed himself, as did I."

"As did y- _Grandfather_!"

"You underestimate the cats, Ena. Watermelons are abundant in Gallia, after all. Cats are just brimming with unrelieved sexual tension as a result of their diet. There are embarrassment issues that need to be addressed, and I'm not sure he grasped the artistic side of it, but-"

Ena's eyes grew wide, and spluttering prudishly about things grandparents should never be allowed to talk about, she spun on her heel and left, presumably to get as far away as possible from any mention of either Gallians or sex. Sighing heavily, Nasir wrapped his blanket around his waist, crossed the tent, and resumed carving his watermelons. Gareth was a large man, after all. It would take all of the watermelons Nasir had to prepare the man for seduction, but the work would be worth it. Yes, if Gareth fell for him, if the relationship he had longed for since childhood finally came to be, it'd be worth it.

* * *

><p>Addendum- The Greil Mercenaries' Fort, months later...<p>

"Ike! Ike- a package just arrived from Gallia!" Mist's voice rang out in the hallway like an exceptionally shrill foghorn, snapping Ike out of his blissful half-slumber. Moaning inwardly, he moved to answer her. Since Mist had begun training with swords, she had become downright vicious- even dangerous- in her typically cheerful way, and keeping her waiting was nothing short of a health hazard. Ike blamed Mia's influence. Soren shifted irritably to his right, trapping Ike's arm beneath his small frame, and glaring up at him as if to dare him to respond.

"We're not getting up. Let her yell."

"Ike!" Mist rapped viciously on his bedroom door. Ike winced. Seconds awake, and his head was already pounding. "Get up! We have a package- a big one! It's the afternoon, you lazy ox! I want to see what's inside!"

"Open it yourself!" Soren snarled. "Ike is busy!"

The young Valkyrie was undeterred. She continued her assault on the door, determined to rouse her brother.

"I can't just do that! It's addressed to Ike!"

"Tell him it stinks!" Shinon called from a distance, following up with a stage-muttered rant about 'those damned subhumans' and their bodily functions. Ike could almost hear Soren's eyes rolling.

"You have my permission to open it, Mist. Just please... Stop banging. Soren and I will see it later." Ike moaned, squeezing his temples.

"Well, if you're sure..." Mist could scarcely conceal her excitement. Minutes later, having left Ike and Soren to their business, and surrounded by the rest of the company, she pried open the wooden box, and was immediately hit by the stench of rotting food. She surveyed the contents of the package, and her face fell.

"What is this?"

Shinon snorted. "Hey, what do you know, I was right! They actually sent us their-"

"It's _clearly_ rotten fruit, Shinon," Titania snapped, and glared as best as she could while holding her nose. Rhys covered his mouth to stop himself being sick.

"What a shame... They mustn't have thought this through. Whole watermelons probably would have kept." Oscar shook his head, lamenting the terrible waste. Beside him, Rolf stared at the decomposed watermelons with tears in his eyes, and mourned his shattered dreams of a delicious fruit dessert.

"Um... guys, don't you think they kind of look like- y'know, little statues?" Gatrie scooped up one of the rotten sculptures to inspect it, yelping in dismay as it crumbled and stuck to his hands. "Eww.."

"Hey, yeah! I see it now! Like two little guys trying to move something!" Boyd lifted the box as he spoke, and shook it, trying to get as close a look at the contents without touching them. Unfortunately, Boyd had never been known for being gentle. His relentless jostling dislodged the sculptures, which tumbled out of the box in an oozing avalanche, and coated the Warrior in the putrid mould.

There was a stunned, disgusted pause. Boyd let go of the box in horror. It bounced slightly as it hit the floor and the room erupted into the sort of chaos reserved only for mercenary forts and madhouses. Boyd screaming as only an axe-wielding maniac could and desperately tearing off his soiled clothes, Mist and Mia gagging at the smell, and making a show of averting their eyes (Mist made less of a show than Mia, and by the time Boyd was naked, was outright _gawping_), Rhys tripping over a chair as he stumbled outside to be sick, Gatrie loudly and vividly recalling a few other things the sculptures reminded him of, Shinon remarking, just as loudly, that this was one of the many reasons Gatrie would never get laid, Oscar clapping his hands over Rolf's ears, and promptly being slapped away as the adolescent began firing off some expletives of his own in Boyd's direction, and Titania trying to maintain order by shouting even louder over the developing riot.

Rooms away, Ike buried his face in Soren's shoulder, doing his best to ignore the distant din. The Tactician, still resting on his arm, stroked his hair in a gesture of condolence.

"They were never this bad on trail..." Ike groaned.

"It's alright. We'll issue them an ultimatum. Either they grow up, or we take a very, very long vacation. Let them lead themselves."

Ike laughed. "Tell them to grow up? Shinon would start walking around in nappies and bonnets if he thought it would get rid of us."

"It'd be _his _dignity at stake. And I could have done without that mental image."

"You're right, I'm sorry. That was totally uncalled for. Forgive me?"

Soren smiled slightly. "Oh, I don't _know_..."


End file.
